Part 2: Sleep and separation anxiety
Anxiety wears many masks, which can make it difficult to detect in children.
Sometimes anxiety can be easier to spot such as in these two commonly recognised forms of
anxiety “difficulty sleeping” and “separating from a parent”
“I’m scared there is a monster under my bed”,
“I heard a noise; it could be a robber”
“I want to sleep in your room”
“I don’t want you to go, I’ll miss you too much”
When this kind of anxiety occurs, the child will often act clingy and seek reassurance and closeness to their parent. Their anxiety leads to them wanting to avoid having to face their fear of separating from you or facing their scary monster filled bedroom. As such, they may start to become masters of avoidance by trying to delay bedtime with “I need a drink of water”, “I can’t sleep” “Can you read me another story”, “one more hug,” “I need to tell you something” “I’m not tired,” “your bed is comfier” or “can I sleep in your bed”. They may also become upset and cry and beg you to lie down with them, grabbing at your arm and dragging you into their bed. This is all in the hope of not having to face their fear, which to them is very real.
These two types of anxiety can be very frustrating for parents, as a 5-minute task such as putting your child to sleep can take an hour instead! Everyone can become upset and go to bed too late as you say to them “go to sleep!” for the 10th time.
Tips on managing sleep and separation anxiety
When you are facing sleep or separation anxiety, it is important to stay calm, keep firm boundaries otherwise you can fall into the trap of giving in. Yes, sometimes it’s very endearing to have your child want to be with you and not want to be away from you, it may even be nice to lay down and have a cuddle at times ( Let’s be honest they are very cute). The challenge with sleep or separation anxiety is you are delaying the inevitable, which having them separate from you or learn to sleep in their own bed. The longer the process is drawn out, the more likely the anxiety increases. By saving them from their fear by lying down with them until they are asleep, you might have decreased their anxiety in the moment but unintentionally proved to them that they need you to feel safe to sleep. The next day comes and the anxiety will be back and then you will go through the process again. It is very possible for you to dislike the person your child is becoming because of the pattern you accept!
If your child does become dependent on your presence to reduce anxiety they can also be deprived
of the opportunity to learn how to self soothe, build independence, bravery and confidence. As, parents we must do what is right for our child even, even when it hurts us to see them upset and scared. We must be brave and confident for them until so they learn from the example we set.
Stay tuned– In the next blog we will be discussing types of anxiety which are harder to spot.
Registered Psychologist
Jessica Alpin